Power Up Communication With a YES to Criticism

As you know there are many models for communication, some more elaborate than others. The idea is to find a system that works for you, and to this aim I want to focus on a part of communication that can prove the most challenging, criticism.


How I handle criticism says as much about me as the person giving the critique. What is truly amazing is how powerful even the most harsh criticism can be if we can focus on learning from the situation, instead of taking it personally. This may not be easy to do, but it is worth it.

Consider an approach from author Kare Anderson

From her article Handling Criticism with Honesty and Grace she suggests the 4A’s…



1.  Acknowledge

2.  Ask for More

3.  Align

4.  Add Your Own

Here is a closer look at this model and how you might apply it to respond to criticism.

1. Acknowledge

Acknowledge that you heard the person ó with a pause (buys time for both of you to cool off), a nod, or a verbal acknowledgment demonstrating you heard. Whether the criticism is justified or not, an attempt to avoid discussing it will loom large in the minds of bystanders and stick to you like flypaper as you attempt to move on. Do not disagree or counterattack.



Prove you have heard the person’s comment perhaps by saying, “I understand you have a concern” rather than “You shouldn’t haveÖ”. Avoid blaming or “bad-labeling” language such as “That’s a lie” or “You don’t know what you’re talking about” which only pours hot coals on the heat of escalation and hardens the person into a position with an urge to elaborate.



2. Ask for More

Ask for more information so you both can cool off more and stay focused on the issue, not the feelings or personalities. Go slow to go faster later in reaching agreement about how to resolve the criticism. Try to warm up to the part of the person you can respect.



Focus on the positive part of her mentally, and refer to it verbally: “You are so dedicated” or “knowledgeable” or whatever self-image leads her to criticize you. The more fully the other person feels heard, the more likely she will be receptive to your response, whether to agree or disagree.



3. Align

Align with something the other person has said with which you agree. That is, first speak to the common ground you feel is not in dispute. There may be only one, apparently small point, but starting with the positive creates some momentum forward.



If, in listening, you can find no point of agreement, refer to the part of the person’s positive self-image that might have inspired him to raise his concerns. For example, you might say, ” I understand you want to be very thorough in how you approach these matters” or “I know that you really care about this projectÖ”



4. Add Your Own

Add your own point of view, asking permission first. If you believe the other’s comments are accurate, say so. If an apology is in order, give it sooner rather than later. Then say what you plan to do differently to respond to the criticism. Ask for the person’s response to your comments and again say thanks for being thoughtful in offering them. If you find truth in the criticism, the sooner you verbally agree, the more likely you will engender respect from the other person and any others who witness the interaction.



In fact, if you tell others who are important to that person that you were wrong and appreciate having it pointed it out to you, you will feel and appear more comfortable with yourself. If, on the other hand, you disagree with the comments, say “May I tell you my perspective?” This sets the other person up to give you permission to state your view, as you have been willing to listen to his.

While there are just four steps the outcome will take you from defensive to responsive in record time. When we consider that there are many models for communication it can seem like a new idea shows up every week. The core elements remain, which is why you can find a model that works for you, even if it may not work for everyone else. The idea behind this model is to immediately view criticism with an eye to improvement. While you may feel you are under attack, complete with a surge of adrenalin, you may not be under attack at all.

When you view criticism as part of a bigger dialogue, over time you will see how your response to these tough situations made the open and honest communication possible during future, less challenging communication opportunities. This makes me think of a friend of mine; he has shared many times a story of working with a person for the first time whom others have said was not a nice person.

His approach? Start off nice, and see if they are in fact easy to get along with, before taking the opinions of others ahead of personal experience. The experience you have, even in times of tough, challenging, or ego-sensitive communication situations is up to you.